Happy

It was when I watched you laugh when you weren’t expecting to- then I was held hostage.

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Happy

You spread through me like a cancer.
I would be lying if I said I stood my ground when you started misleading.
All of your words are bullets or pearls.

Our friends could see through the pictures we’d been painting like the man and his muse.
It’s a soundless death I stand here facing.
Of course you’ll be okay.
It’s some combination of defiance and ignorance that keeps you safe.
And you are so young.

It was when I watched you laugh when you weren’t expecting to- then I was held hostage.
A prisoner of love and war.

You knocked me back child!
The army of inscrutability.
And alcohol…?
When you considered my words!
And then decided me,
I set my hounds on you.
My voice is my militia.
I use it despite your protests.
I know what my heart will tell me.
Why would anyone run from love?

You’ve left me totally useless.
Yet I wonder if that was God’s work??
In a completely non-patriarchal, western thinking kind of way.
Even when life pins you down there is the shouting
and the why should I give a fuck?!
I would say because mercy for me is synonymous with pain.
I wish I had your moxie.
One day you’ll wish for my patience.
I know for sure they’ll beg me for answers-                                                  Crying what did I say?
And then what did I do to you??

But watching you laugh
when you weren’t expecting to,
still gets me off.                                           Like the sun in my face                                       and that makes me happy.

Kimkoa 2010

Author: bravelybipolargirl

I’m a writer and stay-home mother of three. I live with my husband, mother and 4 1/2 year old daughter in Wasilla, Alaska. My two teenage sons 14 and 16 spend summers and holidays with us. I am diagnosed bipolar 1 with psychotic features and my mission is to eradicate the stigma of mental illness in our society.

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